In a Caregiver Support Forum discussion group the question was asked:
How can I begin to think positive about being a
caretaker?
I came across
Elizabeth Kupferman a counselor in Southlake,
Texas (Dallas/Fort Worth area) dedicated to helping women overcome
depression, grief, and anxiety so they can find happiness and achieve
their dreams.
She has an excellent site with great information,which I
quote (material quoted was authored by Elizabeth Kupferman ):
http://www.expressivecounseling.com/codependency-caretaking/
{begin quote}
Codependency: Caretaking vs.
Caregiving
Codependency is a group of behaviors that cause us to have
unhealthy relationships. Caretaking is one of those behaviors,
and what we want is to replace caretaking with caregiving.
There are crucial differences between caretaking and caregiving and
you will notice: the healthier and happier your relationship, the
more you are caregiving rather than caretaking.
I view caretaking and caregiving on a continuum. We usually
aren’t doing both at the same time. The goal is to do as much
caregiving as we can and to decrease our caretaking as much as we
can. Caretaking is a dysfunctional, learned behavior that can
be changed. We want to change so we can experience more peace,
more contentment and more fulfilling relationships. The people
in your life may resist your healthier actions, but modeling
caregiving is a huge gift you are giving to your loved ones
Here are some key differences between caretaking and caregiving:
Caretaking feels stressful,
exhausting and frustrating. Caregiving feels right and feels
like love. It re-energizes and inspires you.
Caretaking crosses boundaries.
Caregiving honors them.
Caretaking takes from the
recepient or gives with strings attached; caregiving gives freely.
Caretakers don’t practice
self-care because they mistakenly believe it is a selfish act.
Caregivers practice self-care
unabashedly because they know that keeping themselves happy enables
them to be of service to others.
Caretakers worry; caregivers take
action and solve problems.
Caretakers think they know what’s
best for others; caregivers only know what’s best for themselves.
Caretakers don’t trust others’
abilities to care for themselves, caregivers trust others enough to
allow them to activate their own inner guidance and problem solving
capabilities.
Caretaking creates anxiety and/or
depression in the caretaker. Caregiving decreases anxiety
and/or depression in the caregiver.
Caretakers tend to attract needy
people. Caregivers tend to attract healthy people.
(Hint: We tend to attract people who are slightly above or
below our own level of mental health).
Caretakers tend to be judgmental;
caregivers don’t see the logic in judging others and practice a
“live and let live attitude.”
Caretakers start fixing when a
problem arises for someone else; caregivers empathize fully, letting
the other person know they are not alone and lovingly asks, “What
are you going to do about that.”
Caretakers start fixing when
a problem arises; caregivers respectfully wait to be asked to help.
Caretakers tend to be dramatic in
their caretaking and focus on the problem; caregivers can create
dramatic results by focusing on the solutions.
- Caretakers us the word “You” a lot and Caregivers say “I”
more.
As with changing any behavior, becoming aware of it is the first
step. Watch yourself next time you are with someone and ask
yourself where you fall on the continuum. It will take some
work to change and you may experience some resistance and fear in the
process — but what is on the other side is well worth the struggles
of transformation.
I recommend the work of Melody Beattie who is a groundbreaker in
codependency education. If you find yourself in relationships
with people who have addictions or if you struggle with your own
addictions, I recommend
Codependent
No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for
Yourself (also Al-Anon, which is a 12 step group). If
you aren’t in relationship with someone who has an addiction or if
you do not suffer from an addiction, I recommend her new book
“The
New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today’s
Generation.”
Reference: Beattie, Melody (1991)
.
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start
Caring for Yourself.
{end quote}
Please note:
Elizabeth Kupferman is a counselor in Southlake,
Texas
the great information,which I was
authored by Elizabeth Kupferman :
http://www.expressivecounseling.com/codependency-caretaking/
